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Thirty​-​nine

from Here I Am by Ben Travis

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about

This song was written from the perspective of my grandmother as she was nearing the end of her life, living in a nursing home. She had been a part of my life for almost 40 years, so I had observed her slow decline into old age. I had also heard many stories from her younger life, and it made me ponder the way we all grow old if we live long enough. As I grew up, I tended to view elderly people as "old people" who had just sort of always been that way. The closer I get, though, the more I realize that every person was once a young person with hopes, dreams, and fears much like my own. This song follows her life from when she was young all the way to when she was very old.

The title of the song is "Thirty-nine." This has a layer of meanings in my mind. It is one of the ages she discusses in the song, but more importantly, it was always the age she jokingly told people she was. I remember when my dad turned 40 and Granny was still "39," and I did the math and realized something wasn't quite adding up. But of course, this was a joke that she used throughout her older years, and seemed an appropriate title to the song. I was also 39 myself when I was putting the finishing touches on this album.

I hope I have done justice to what she was feeling as she passed through the final stage of her life. And I know it shed some light for me on why people often become more angry and frustrated as they reach their final years.

lyrics

Thirty-nine
© March 11, 2010 Ben Travis
for Granny

I’m sick, I’m tired
I’m uninspired
I never pictured life this way
I’m far from home
and all alone
and all my friends have gone away

My mind is weak
and cloudy now
it hasn’t always been this way
I once was known
for wit and style
and not the bitter way I feel today

and if you’d asked me when I was twenty-five
I might have told you that I felt so alive
but now it’s hard to find a reason
to wear this fool’s disguise

There was a time
when life was kind
and every breath was fresh and new
My heart was full
of dreams and obligations
the fantasies of youth

and if you’d asked me when I was thirty-nine
I might have told you that life was so divine
but now it’s hard to see a reason
to wear this fool’s disguise

And all those times
I told myself
that I would never end this way
but there’s no exit sign,
or finish line
no final words to say

and if you ask me now that I am ninety-three
if I can tell you the way things used to be
you’ll forgive me if I ask you
to go and let me be

credits

from Here I Am, released September 10, 2013

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Ben Travis Nashville, Tennessee

I’m a Nashville-based audio engineer and producer. I work primarily with singer/songwriters and bands with original music to help them create a musical product they can be proud of without paying the prices of major studios.

I'm also an independent artist and songwriter. My music invites listeners to think and ask meaningful questions about the world around them. ... more

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